| How do your kids feel about your divorce? Do they | | | | often follows. Adults consider kids too young to have |
| see it as a good thing for the family? Do they blame | | | | a valid opinion of what foods are good for them, let |
| themselves for what went wrong? The answers to | | | | alone where they would be better off. Thus, they have |
| these questions depend on the kids and the situation. | | | | no input in a scarey situation, not because they don't |
| A child who has been exposed to a lot of arguments | | | | have feelings, but because they have no safe place to |
| and violence may be happy to see the abusive parent | | | | express them. |
| leave. She may love the abuser, and worry about him | | | | It wouldn't be good to leave custody decisions up to |
| after he's gone, but not being awakened in the middle | | | | children. Their choices would too often be coerced by |
| of the night to screaming, and not being hit for no | | | | circumstances. The parent who gives the most gifts |
| reason is a good thing. Kids don't like pain and stress | | | | may seem like the one who loves more at the time |
| anymore than the next guy. | | | | the decision is made, no matter the parent's true |
| A child whose parents are "unhappy" or "bored" with | | | | history with the child. |
| each other may not be as content or relieved to see | | | | There are also many other ways to wrongly influence |
| the family dissolve. Adult "unhappiness" is a concept | | | | a child. Kids assume adults know a lot more than they |
| most kids can't grasp. Sure, they do know what it | | | | do. The adult who is recognized as an authority, such |
| means to be discontent. Teachers and other kids | | | | as a parent or teacher would certainly have credibility |
| make them feel that way all the time. However, a long | | | | in a child's world. It is too easy for a parent to |
| term disappointment felt by an adult for adult reasons | | | | manipulate what the child says for her statements to |
| is simply beyond the child's experience. | | | | be a reliable indicator of her needs. |
| The question is whether kids feel guilty, or like they did | | | | Parents often take advantage of the child's trust by |
| something wrong when Mom and Dad split up. Some | | | | focusing on what that parent believes is the other |
| kids might, because of the way their parents handle | | | | parent's shortcomings. The result is that the child joins |
| the break up. However, absent a parent's intervention, | | | | in blaming the other parent just so he'll feel protected |
| why would a child feel like they did something wrong | | | | and approved of by someone. The truth or the |
| when the parents split up anymore than he / she feels | | | | exaggeration of the reporting parent's observations |
| bad when the car breaks down or the TV goes on | | | | are not something a child can readily understand. |
| the blink? A self respecting, normal child will avoid | | | | Again, it is a kid's inexperience with the world and its |
| accepting responsibility for things he does do wrong, let | | | | ways that hamper his ability to see through a |
| alone blame himself for some abstract adult event. | | | | grown-up person's motives for lying, stretching the |
| Children may not feel guilty about their parents split, so | | | | truth, or even seeing a given situation in an unfair or |
| much as they feel helpless. They aren't consulted, or | | | | unbalanced way. |
| even warned that a divorce is coming many times. | | | | Children need to have a forum to air their views in a |
| Strangers in the form of judges and lawyers are | | | | divorce. What they say may not be deep, or even |
| suddenly deciding things for them that Mom and Dad | | | | useful, but it may help them adjust to the inevitable |
| used to control. The kids don't necessarily meet these | | | | changes they are about to experience. They need to |
| people. Instead, they have to accept how some | | | | know that someone hears their concerns, and will listen |
| abstract, faceless adults arbitrarily force them to live | | | | to what they have to say. They need to feel safe |
| their lives. Decisions are handed down to them by | | | | asking the kind of questions that may make parents |
| people whose existence they haven't even varified | | | | feel stupid, or uncomfortable. They are entitled to |
| with their own eyes a lot of the time. | | | | honest, age appropriate answers, too. |
| Rarely are children allowed to express their feelings | | | | No child should have control over the family's fortunes. |
| about the situation. When they are asked, certain | | | | Kids just don't have the experience to decide whether |
| answers are expected, and rather than take the | | | | it is in Mom and Dad's best interest to stay together, or |
| chance of being wrong, they are inclined to say what | | | | to understand the many decisions about their welfare |
| they sense the adult wants to hear. After all, their | | | | that must be made in a divorce. However, even |
| teachers have trained them to believe there are | | | | though they can't row the boat, they should have life |
| wrong or right answers, and the last thing a kid wants | | | | jackets, and should be taught how to swim so that |
| to do is attract disapproval, especially since punishment | | | | they are not drowned in their family's disfunctions. |