| A few months ago Gillian felt lifeless, dead inside and | | | | After years of living mostly for the 'high' that work |
| uninterested in anything. Everything was an effort. She | | | | gave him, Terry began to feel more tired than usual. |
| just wanted to sleep. She suffered bouts of | | | | He forced himself to continue performing at the same |
| constipation. She didn't want to meet anyone, prepare | | | | level as before, but his body protested. His |
| food for herself or take care of her dog. She couldn't | | | | concentration span became shorter and he found |
| go to work. Her words came out slow and with long | | | | himself having to ask people to repeat themselves. He |
| pauses in between. The words were flat, without | | | | read things two or three times before he absorbed the |
| expression -just like she felt. She couldn't even cry. | | | | information. He realized he was less alert when driving |
| Nothing touched her and she moved like a robot from | | | | when he hit a car as he parked near his apartment. |
| her bed to the shower to a chair and back to bed | | | | Terry thought this was just a phase and he tried to |
| again. She didn't care about anything or anyone. This | | | | make sure that he got plenty of sleep. But it made no |
| was not the Gillian she knew or wanted to be. She | | | | difference. He was dragging himself up in the morning |
| had always been driven to work hard, please those | | | | and falling asleep before he could eat his dinner at |
| around her and then earn her rest. She had been very | | | | night. He would go long periods without eating when he |
| sociable and knew how to have a good time. | | | | was absorbed in the fast pace of work. He was |
| Now Gillian is very angry and tearful. She cries easily | | | | worried about the difference he noticed in himself and |
| when memories of past hurtful relationships invade her | | | | tried working even harder to compensate. He never |
| as if from nowhere. She complains of being exhausted | | | | took breaks and delegated fewer tasks. He had no |
| and resents having to go to work. She is impatient with | | | | feeling for the issues his work force brought to him |
| herself and others when problems don't get sorted out | | | | which was unusual for him. He went to a medical |
| quickly. Anything in her immediate environment that has | | | | doctor to find out why his energy was flagging. All test |
| a glitch feels like another burden on her shoulders. | | | | results were normal, and he was told to ensure a |
| Nothing feels right and that makes her furious. She has | | | | good balanced diet with regular meals. |
| enough of her own stuff to deal with. When the world | | | | Terry became alarmed when other people |
| outside also has 'problems' it makes Gillian want to give | | | | commented on the changes within him. He had no idea |
| up bothering to face the day at all... | | | | that it could be so obvious. He couldn't bear that his |
| Working and being busy no longer protected her from | | | | 'weaknesses' were visible. His whole image of himself |
| her past wounding experiences. Her back and neck | | | | was under threat. The harder he tried to return to his |
| pain interrupted her sleep. Skin eruptions came and | | | | former self, the worse his performance and functioning |
| went. It was as if she had lost control and is the | | | | became. When the first set of wake up calls didn't |
| unwilling victim of her history. She was reliving that | | | | lead him to take a good look at what he was doing to |
| history and it was unbearable. She wanted to get back | | | | himself, the spiral downward came faster and with |
| to being in total control and able to glide through life as | | | | greater force. He was no longer eager to answer calls |
| before. Having to interact with a car that breaks down, | | | | from work to bail them out, do shifts for others or sort |
| a dog that barks to be taken for a walk, and an | | | | out difficulties other managers left behind. He didn't |
| insurance companies that refuse to reimburse her for | | | | want to have to find time to go out with his girl friend. |
| necessary expenses made her crazy. She was | | | | He didn't want to deal with paying for the car he hit |
| irritable, short tempered, unable to wait her turn in lines | | | | when he was sleepy at the wheel. When his body |
| at the bank or supermarkets. Her interface with the | | | | demanded extended amounts of sleep, he had to give |
| world became brittle, drained of any juice and | | | | in and take a few days off work. He had to be 'sick' |
| fractured. | | | | before he felt he could legitimately separate himself |
| As time went on Gillian's anger seemed to subside. It | | | | from work. |
| had robbed her of space to feel any joy, excitement, | | | | He got angry with his body for failing him. He was |
| softness or empathy. As she pushed it down again for | | | | disgusted with himself for having to call in sick and for |
| the millionth time, she became more able to function in | | | | having to rely on others to do his job. He worried that |
| her job and did the bare minimum to take care of | | | | he would have to do it all again since no one could do |
| herself and her dog. While she slept for longer periods | | | | it like him. He hated depending on his girlfriend for |
| it wasn't refreshing and didn't give her the oblivion she | | | | shopping and housecleaning when he was too weak |
| wanted. | | | | to do it himself. He didn't answer calls offering comfort |
| She felt disenchanted with her colleagues and friends. | | | | or understanding. He hated the time he got to 'feel' |
| Even when friends gave her what she wanted it didn't | | | | himself. |
| register. It was as if she was still starving. The only | | | | Unfortunately for Terry, as soon as he felt a little more |
| thing that appeared to satisfy her if only temporarily | | | | energy he went back to his old ways with a stronger |
| was food. She would eat and eat when she was | | | | sense of fervor. He was determined to compensate |
| alone at home. It calmed her from the moment she | | | | for the time off and wanted to prove to himself and |
| began to get the food to the last bite. It was the one | | | | everyone else that he was the same reliable |
| sure way she could give herself some peace from | | | | superman. He was terrified that if he showed himself |
| her disappointment with others, their unreliability, their | | | | to be as human as anyone else, he would be denied |
| ingratitude and inability to satisfy her. She began to put | | | | promotion and became ordinary, with a non-descript |
| on weight and whipped herself with criticism and | | | | life. That wouldn't serve the voice inside him that said |
| loathing. When the self-flagellation became too much | | | | he had to achieve at the highest levels at all costs or |
| to endure she would gorge on food and then drink lots | | | | else he was a failure and hence unlovable. The time |
| of water, stick her fingers down her throat and throw | | | | periods between his normal functioning and |
| up. If she got most of it out, she could approve of | | | | depressions became shorter. The depressions |
| herself and get a break from the harsh judgments. If | | | | themselves became longer, forcing him to examine his |
| she couldn't vomit it up then she would be consumed | | | | life style and what he expected of himself. What he |
| with guilt. She continued this cycle of emptiness, | | | | found was that he was terrified that he was really |
| bingeing, crucifying herself, attempting to vomit, taking | | | | trash, and that he had used the status of work, the |
| pride in herself if it was successful and drowning in guilt | | | | money it provided and the time it used up as a |
| if not. Gillian tolerated this life since it was preferable to | | | | costume to hide the garbage. |
| the risks she had to take if she allowed herself to be | | | | Terry's depression had three heads. He catapulted |
| open to relationships. At least this cycle was in her | | | | from lack of concentration and sluggishness to |
| control and familiar. She was the slave master and the | | | | self-disgust and anger, followed by being shut down. |
| slave. Better than being someone else's victim with | | | | As in Gillian's case the heads led independent lives and |
| repercussions that last forever. | | | | controlled him. He thought he was in control but it was |
| Gillian's depression had at least four heads. It came in | | | | exactly the opposite. |
| waves. From a sense of lifelessness she would shift | | | | Having many heads to your depression provides extra |
| to being full of uncomfortable emotions like anger. Hair | | | | places to go when one head is tired and used up. As it |
| like triggers would set off bouts of crying that would | | | | replenishes itself with your self-hatred and critical voice |
| sap her and make her numb again. When the | | | | you can sap the energy of another head. Eventually |
| emptiness came she would fill herself with food that | | | | none of the heads will have the chance to recover. |
| put on weight and that set up a binge, guilt and purge | | | | They will all shrivel up and crumble. You have to feel all |
| rotation. Each head of the depression acted | | | | the trash, and smell the stink. It is truly awful, but the |
| separately with little communication among them. Each | | | | best news ever. Without feeling, smelling and tasting |
| head ruled for a time and then relinquished its power to | | | | the parts of yourself you have ignored, you are going |
| the next head. Gillian finally came to grips with what | | | | to stay depressed - each head waxing and waning |
| she wanted from life when all four heads were vying | | | | through your life. |
| for supremacy at the same time. Each squeaked a | | | | Depression at its worst is a gift that your are given so |
| little but didn't get top billing. They were all dying off, and | | | | that you can be your own master. No more do you |
| Gillian was challenged to find out what the costs and | | | | have to live according to those voices inside you that |
| consequences were for her of accepting empathy, | | | | won't allow you to be human, and deprive you of the |
| generosity and care without obligation. It wasn't till all | | | | simple pleasures of life. You get to plan and build in |
| parts of her got 'sick' that she was forced to face the | | | | your time, take pleasure and pride in your work and be |
| inevitable. | | | | comfortable in your own skin. For those who need to |
| Terry thrived on work. He got a buzz from the | | | | go through the fires of depression with its many heads, |
| autonomy his managerial position gave him. He could | | | | there is a treasure at the end that is not found in any |
| work when he wanted and felt important taking on | | | | other way. It is the authentic you, that you can accept |
| extra responsibility. He was always ready to stand in | | | | and be proud of. |
| for other colleagues when they were sick or on | | | | Imagine having the chance to build your own self your |
| vacation. He would think nothing of doing his job and | | | | way. How exciting and thrilling! You can be the |
| that of a sick employee simultaneously. He was well | | | | architect, give the planning permission, act as your own |
| paid and could afford the nice things in life. He had a | | | | contractor and inspector, buy your own materials and |
| girlfriend and took satisfaction in being able to buy her | | | | construct the best you that you want to be. This does |
| expensive gifts. However there were times when he | | | | not mean that you cannot get relief from medications. |
| wondered what all this was for. He never had time to | | | | If used in conjunction with the work you do to feel all |
| enjoy his money in a leisurely way. He never took time | | | | parts of yourself no matter how distasteful, you can |
| off, never got sick and had no long term plans for | | | | construct a stronger and more resilient person. One |
| settling down. | | | | that you will like and others too. |