| This morning while I was in the shower I decided to run | | | | get one of those fancy club seats with the waitress |
| for president. Not president of the United States but | | | | who brings you your beer and hot dog with a smile. |
| President of Earth. At first I was going to call myself | | | | Just one perk of being President of Earth I guess. |
| President of the World but since there is undoubtedly | | | | Other perks to the position include a great health plan, |
| other forms of life out there, some of which might | | | | sixty three major Earth holidays and five sick days. I |
| actually be more advanced than us, I decided to limit | | | | tried to get more paid sick leave but Human |
| my jurisdiction to president of just this planet. Of | | | | Resources wasn't playing nice. Instead of living in the |
| course there are a few obstacles I'll need to | | | | White House like the President of the United States, I |
| overcome before I can officially be recognized as | | | | as the President of Earth will be allowed to choose |
| president. | | | | anywhere on the planet to live during my twenty year |
| First, I'll need there to actually be a position called | | | | term. I think I'll choose Australia. I heard their toilets |
| President of Earth but I think if I write my congressman | | | | actually flush counter clockwise. That's just nuts. |
| that shouldn't be a problem. After all, our congressmen | | | | I'll live in a huge presidential palace with central air and |
| do read each of our letters and understand that if they | | | | everything. I won't need Secret Service protection |
| want to get re-elected they better act accordingly. | | | | because all the people will love me for providing peace |
| Second, I should probably get an updated map of the | | | | on Earth. There will be one massive armed forces |
| planet so I can speak intelligently to the masses. The | | | | under my command. It will not be used to harm other |
| map I have now still has Iraq as an independent | | | | Earthlings. It is only there in the event we are invaded |
| country. I'm pretty sure that was recently named the | | | | by extra terrestrials. I'll call them Earth Force and they'll |
| fifty third state of the United States right after Iran and | | | | have really cool uniforms. |
| North Korea. I think Iraq is now called Bushland or The | | | | If I'm elected President of Earth people will learn to |
| Republic of Halliburton. | | | | trust and appreciate their brothers and sisters. I will lead |
| Once I become President of Earth there will be a few | | | | by example and show the entire population what we |
| major changes to the way things are done. The first | | | | can accomplish if we act as one cohesive race |
| thing I'll do is order everyone to speak English. I hate it | | | | instead of dozens of individual races all claiming |
| when people say bad things about me in foreign | | | | superiority and birth rites. Of course we'll have to |
| languages and all I can do is smile like I think they're | | | | accomplish all those wonderful things in a thirty hour |
| complimenting me. That's no way to treat the future | | | | work week because this forty hours is for the birds. |
| president of your planet, Mom! | | | | Lastly I'd like to close with this. If I am elected President |
| Then there's baseball. I will ask every country on the | | | | of Earth as I hoped and dreamed I would in the |
| planet to create a baseball team. It is in sport that | | | | shower this morning, I promise to be an honest and |
| mankind will learn to settle their differences instead of | | | | trustworthy leader. Because after all, isn't that all we |
| war. You never see Boston and New York bombing | | | | really want? A politician that just tells the truth. |
| each other do you? No! That's because we have the | | | | If you agree that I would make an ideal President of |
| Yankees and Red Sox rivalry. I can see it now...France | | | | Earth then write your congressman today and make it |
| versus United States in the World Series to determine | | | | happen. Remember, even the largest ocean waves |
| who gets the rights to Saint Martin Island. | | | | begin with a mere drip of water. I am that drip. |
| And we'll hold the Olympics every year. Of course I'll | | | | |